Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
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Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on Nov 18, 2019 23:00:39 GMT -8
Yuseong had been booked for a photoshoot and short fun trip style mini-tv show in Thailand, and Josh would have been thrilled if he wasn't so nervous. He figured that they would have some actual time to themselves on this trip, and it seemed like a good time to ambush Kangwan with the conversation that he needed to have with him. He was a little less confident about that because it was a trip that Thomas wasn't with them for, but it seemed like it would be easier to have the conversation outside of their normal places somehow.
They'd been given three rooms in a nice hotel. Taehoon given him a questioning look and then declared, "I feel like a change of pace, come on Qiwang-di, let's take over the big room with a view while the others are making decisions."
Shihyun had looked grumpy about it, but Josh was chuckling a little bit inside. Also, that meant that Taehoon had given him the perfect opportunity to actually find alone time with Kangwan, since he'd disturbed the normal order of rooms. It wasn't uncommon for Taehoon and Josh to room together for trips, or Taehoon to go in with the younger ones if there were two small rooms and one big room, but this was honestly a bit unusual.
Josh smiled at Kangwan and said, "Want to share the other two person room then, Kangwan-ie?"
He figured that Kangwan would say yes readily enough. He was pretty sure that Kangwan wouldn't want to share with Shihyun, and Josh didn't honestly really either. Taehoon was the only person who could comfortably sleep in the same room as Shihyun most of the time but that was because Taehoon was comfortable in an absurd range of temperatures. Still, Josh was anxious as he waited for Kangwan to reply, and he chewed on the end of his lightweight long sleeved shirt. It was strange to be wearing such light clothing in late fall, but they were in Thailand, and it was far far warmer than it had been when they'd left Seoul that morning.
Kim Kangwan
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Idol - Vocalist/Songwriter / Seoul Cyber University Student (2025) Major: Applied Music.
Bisexual.
Dating Thomas Fan.
10/24/1999.
23.
Rabbit (Korea)
Authored by Redeim.
Offline.
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Post by Kim Kangwan on Dec 2, 2019 20:54:28 GMT -8
Kangwan was excited for the trip in Thailand, partially because it had been so long since he'd been to Thailand with his band and he had fallen in love with the country the last time they had visited. Of course, his Thai was subpar at best - he could barely order food at a restaurant - but he loved the culture and food, sometimes even the vegetables. But around this time of year, he especially loved the tropical weather.
He was surprised when Taehoon took Qiwang to share a room with rather than Shihyun, and immediately he started panicking; among the hyungs he had no chance of getting the private room, and if Joshua decided to take the private room he'd be left to share a room with Shihyun. He was pretty sure he said "yes" before Joshua had even finished asking if he wanted to share the other two person room. He cleared his throat, and added, calmer and with a smile, "sure, that sounds great, hyung."
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Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
|
Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on Dec 9, 2019 23:31:31 GMT -8
Josh smiled at Kangwan and ruffled his hair. He said, "Excellent. It's been a while since we've shared a room."
As he dragged his bags into the room that he'd selected, his sleeve managed to make it back to being chewed on, and he rather abruptly pulled it away when he realized that he was doing it. He sighed at himself. While the fans thought that the chewing on his sleeves was cute, he also knew that it was a sure tell that he was anxious about something, and he didn't want to worry Kangwan.
He turned and asked Kangwan, "Do you mind if I take the bed further from the door?"
He watched Kangwan for a bit before he started unpacking, trying to figure out what sort of mood the younger man was in.
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Idol - Vocalist/Songwriter / Seoul Cyber University Student (2025) Major: Applied Music.
Bisexual.
Dating Thomas Fan.
10/24/1999.
23.
Rabbit (Korea)
Authored by Redeim.
Offline.
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Post by Kim Kangwan on Mar 25, 2020 21:16:30 GMT -8
Kangwan noticed Josh was chewing on his sleeve, which was something he normally only did when he was nervous about something. He debated figuring out how to ask his leader if something was up, but couldn't think of how to phrase it without sounding almost accusatory. He smiled at Josh's comment and followed his hyung into the room, plopping his stuff onto the bed closer to the door in response to Josh's question. "I don't mind." He responded simply. The flight, and also the lack of sleep prior to the flight (he'd been writing music again, and forgot to watch the time. He was lucky he set an alarm for prepping for the flight), caused exhaustion to be catching up to him quickly, but until then, he was still excited to be in Thailand, and relieved he wouldn't be sharing a room with Shihyun. Josh had always been a good hyung to him, and he was right, it had been quite a while since they'd been able to share a room.
He didn't feel like unpacking yet, figuring it would just wear him out faster, but sat down on the bed and leaned against his suitcase, looking to Josh slightly upside down. "Is something on your mind, hyung?" He asked finally.
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Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
|
Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on Apr 1, 2020 12:19:40 GMT -8
Josh started unpacking and putting his things away neatly as soon as Kangwan confirmed that he was alright with Josh's bed preference.
He stilled when Kangwan asked if something was on his mind. Kangwan had known him for a long time, and so he knew Josh's tells for being nervous. Josh really needed to teach himself to not chew on his sleeves, even if the fans thought it was cute. Or at least to be more deliberate about it. And, well, usually he either did it when he was by himself, or when Taehoon was around to make him stop it if it wasn't the right time.
He sighed and sat down on the bed, facing mostly towards Kangwan, and not quite looking at him, setting aside the last of his unpacking for the moment. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Taehoon in his head was telling him, Just tell him already, get it over with, it will be fine.
He was nervous.
He took a deep breath, let it out, and said, "Yeah, there's something that I should have told you, a while ago, uh, several years ago honestly, about me..."
He glanced at Kangwan, trying to gauge whether he seemed to have any idea what was going on, or if he looked annoyed, or just anything, stalling a little bit and trying to gather the words on his tongue.
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Idol - Vocalist/Songwriter / Seoul Cyber University Student (2025) Major: Applied Music.
Bisexual.
Dating Thomas Fan.
10/24/1999.
23.
Rabbit (Korea)
Authored by Redeim.
Offline.
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Post by Kim Kangwan on Apr 6, 2020 17:38:39 GMT -8
Kangwan turned so he was no longer looking at Josh upside-down. Whatever it was, it seemed serious, and Kangwan didn't know what, but he wanted to show he would take his hyung's words seriously. Still, he leaned on his suitcase to be closer to Josh. "What is it?" He asked quietly, looking at him inquisitively.
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Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
|
Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on Apr 15, 2020 19:34:10 GMT -8
Despite both Taehoon and Thomas telling him this would be fine, at least in the long run, Josh was way more nervous about telling Kangwan. He caught himself before his sleeve made its way back into his mouth and shuffled his feet awkwardly against the carpet of the hotel floor, focusing on just the sensation of it for a second to clear his head enough to actually say something.
His voice was small and uncertain when he continued, "Like I said, I should have told you this years ago, but I hadn't figured out how to tell anyone yet. I was still very scared of actually putting words to it at the time."
He glanced up and bit his lip for a second. It had been almost natural to tell Taehoon, frightening for sure, but not nervewracking the way this was. He was pretty sure that he'd built it up too much in his own mind. He closed his eyes and managed to finally say, "I'm gay, and I know I should have told you when you came out ages ago, but I didn't want some of the stuff that had happened to me make you afraid, and I hadn't told anyone, ever at that point, though there had been people who had known, or at least suspected, in many cases not to my benefit. You're one of the first people I have told, and it's only been about a month since I said that for the first time, so it's still pretty hard."
He didn't open his eyes yet, almost too afraid to see what Kangwan's face would look like, whether he'd be mad that Josh had taken that long, or hadn't trusted him to be the first one to know, or something like that. He wondered if Kangwan would care who he had told first, or if he would be bothered by any of it.
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Idol - Vocalist/Songwriter / Seoul Cyber University Student (2025) Major: Applied Music.
Bisexual.
Dating Thomas Fan.
10/24/1999.
23.
Rabbit (Korea)
Authored by Redeim.
Offline.
|
Post by Kim Kangwan on May 14, 2020 18:16:58 GMT -8
Kangwan nodded slowly as Josh mentioned it should have been said years ago. Luckily, he didn't have long to try to figure out what it could possibly be before his band mate just came out and said it. "Oh." He said simply.
His mind felt a bit hazy, like it couldn't decide which emotion to choose. He was a bit upset Josh hadn't told him way back when he came out to the band. Even though Josh was supportive of him back, knowing he wasn't alone would have been nice. At the same time, he totally could understand the other man's hesitation, and didn't hold that against him. He realized he'd been quiet for probably too long in Josh's eye and finally added, "thanks for telling me. I'm not mad, I can understand your reasoning." He wondered if, had this happened when he was younger, he might have reacted badly. Been upset, and angry at Josh for a while. But he really couldn't be mad at him, so maybe he really had matured.
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Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
|
Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on May 21, 2020 19:47:05 GMT -8
The look on Josh's face was full of uncertainty but also relief as he opened his eyes and looked at Kangwan. Kangwan's face was complicated, but he trusted his group member. He said softly, "Thank you."
He fiddled with the bedspread a little bit. He didn't quite know what else to say. The conversations had been easier with Taehoon, who was much closer in age and someone who he had always been close to as a peer, and with Thomas, who he'd mostly gone to as someone who knew about things. This was a strange reversal from his normal interactions with Kangwan, where for a long time he'd been the role model, the one who knew things.
He said softly, "I'm going to tell the rest of the group eventually. Taehoon knows already, but not the others. It will happen when it happens, but I'm trying not to rush handling this. It's still frightening. I..."
He paused, trying to regain his composure, and then tried again, "My parents kicked me out, sent me to Korea to live with my aunt, when I was fourteen because they just suspected I was gay, and it's made this challenging."
He knew that Kangwan had grown up a lot, and he didn't need to shelter him as much, and he figured that Kangwan probably deserved to know at least a little bit of why he'd taken so long to talk about it.
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Idol - Vocalist/Songwriter / Seoul Cyber University Student (2025) Major: Applied Music.
Bisexual.
Dating Thomas Fan.
10/24/1999.
23.
Rabbit (Korea)
Authored by Redeim.
Offline.
|
Post by Kim Kangwan on Jul 19, 2020 21:05:48 GMT -8
Kangwan nodded somewhat absentmindedly and mimicked Josh's fiddling on his own bedspread. "Um... I mean." He rambled, letting out a nervous laugh, "Um... Like, it's okay to be scared about saying this. And like, yeah... I'm kind of upset, cause I really could've used someone like me back then, but I'm not um... like mad, or anything." He said, not really sure where he was going with this. "Thank you. For telling me your reasoning. I think that's why... it's easy to not be mad about you not saying anything. Because like... I get being scared. Honestly I don't even know how I found the nerve to tell you guys when I did." He looked down at his bed. His memories from that time of his life were a haze, so he really couldn't place why he had even felt the need to tell his band mates. Probably because he viewed them as his hyungs, and he still did. He looked up to all of them, even Shihyun (sometimes). "Um, anyways..." He began, but had no other topics to go on a tangent with.
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Kpop Idol, Yuseong's Leader.
Gay (Secretively).
Single.
01/17/1993.
29.
Monkey (Korea)
Authored by Etienne.
Offline.
|
Post by Joshua Kim Jaeseo on Jul 19, 2020 21:21:27 GMT -8
Josh fell back on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm, and said, "I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you back then. Just so you would have known that you weren't alone in all this. But I'm glad you're at least not too upset at me, and I'm glad I finally told you. You especially deserved to know."
He sighed, not quite sure what else to say, and wishing that he even knew where to start a conversation around this that wasn't just him telling Kangwan. He realized that he actually did have a question, "How do you manage to be not nervous with skinship and stuff? And shipping?"
It was weird almost asking Kangwan for advice, but his maknae had more actual experience with being in that state of being partially out while still hiding everything from the public.
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